i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
