Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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