You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
