did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize