I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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