Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
