I CAN MOONWALK!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
