Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
