My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
