My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
