On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
