dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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