I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
