thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize