i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
