Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
