i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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