I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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