Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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