Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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