Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
