I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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