So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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