You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
