I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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