Ketchup is God's man juice
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
