totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
