I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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