He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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