I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You were trust falling into bushes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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