I got chris browned last night
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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