found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
