He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
