my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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