Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
