i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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