i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
