my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize