this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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