If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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