we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
