My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
