3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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