just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
