things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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