My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
