so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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