I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
