Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
