Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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