there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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