and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
