You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
