Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
a search helicopter?!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
