She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
