I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
