No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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