Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
40s are totally the cure
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize