College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
