Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
