I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize